Friday, December 04, 2009

The trouble with Spanx...

Ok, maybe it's the trouble with FAUX-Spanx...

For the un-initiated, Spanks is this super-bionic ultra-stretch foundation garment that sucks you in in all the places you should be sucked-in. If your trousers aren't fitting quite right? Pop on a set of Spanx under those bad-boys, and watch the sleek lines return like you're some runway model...

Tonight, I was serving at a fancy-schmancy GALA at a local college. It was in this posh old Gold-Baron's mansion from the 1800s, and it was that kind of holiday event where all the stops are pulled out. As a volunteer server, I was asked to wear 'black trousers and a white blouse'. I thought "No sweat!" seeing as I honestly thought I had that wardrobe combination covered.

But then, this morning, I realized my 'white blouse' was really a "size 'good-grief-are-you-carrying-twins?' garment" left over from my Kelly-pregnancy, and it wasn't going to cut it with all the posh old ladies in tiaras.

So I made a quick pilgrimage to Kmart, and took what I could find.

Which turned out to be a 'corset-style' blouse. I found it in the junior department. Sue me. I was probably 24 years too old for it. But beggars can't be choosers, so I bought it, and thought "hey! I've got Spanx, this will be just fine'

Tonight, when I was getting dressed, I had to shoehorn myself into those trusty old Spanx, and then my trousers just slipped on, like I'd lost weight, or something! And the corset-style stretch-cotton blouse actually didn't look too atrociously bad, considering that my Spanx went right up past my diaphragm, and cinched in my ribs, even.

But then I got to the Gala, and I realized something about what I was wearing. You see, wearing my stretch-jersey trousers and the super-bionic-stretch Spanx together had created a perfect storm of wardrobe malfunction.

There is 'nap' in stretch fabric. It's like carpet. There's a certain way that the fibres lie, so it's like petting a cat. in one direction it's perfectly smooth, and in the other, it's like little teeth.

My Spanx had little teeth that pointed down.

My trousers had little teeth that pointed up (on the inside of the pant-leg). And those little teeth worked together to ensure that if I wasn't Completely And Utterly Vigilant....


But boy oh boy, did I ever look slim while I was holding onto my waistband...

The other problem with Spanx? They're so industrial strength that you can break a nail while trying to peel them off your body when it's time to say good-night.


No. There are no photos of the wardrobe malfunction.

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